A lustrum: aka – 5 years

I did a little searching and I learned that the “traditional” gift of five years is wood.  To celebrate 5 years of not being able to get stomach cancer I have drawn a picture of wood in a coffee cup.  If you knew me at work, you would understand why coffee is so very important to my ability to manage my project and my team, lol.  Please also know that I am not an artist and can only draw items that I can see on a screen but learning every day about drawing.  🙂  [BTW – I added the 5 all by myself, woot!]

Wow.  5 years without a stomach.  5 years a seahorse.  (I will explain later for you non-seahorses)

So many things can happen in five years.  As I think back to my surgery and the journey that I have been through, I am conflicted.  I cannot think about the past five years without thinking about the things that have been lost.  We lost my mother-in-law to Alzheimer’s early in the five year process and my mother to Alzheimer’s just recently.  These last five years have had so very many ups and downs. Job changes with boss changes, kids growing up and becoming adults, crazy medical stuff, a broken wrist, stress, anger, happiness, sadness and life.  I have come to understand that life is simply life and I am working to find my silver lining.

At the beginning of this journey, I truly thought that having a Total Gastrectomy (TG) was a loss.  That is was an ending of sorts.  This was not so.  It was truly a beginning of the next chapter.  There are some great things that this change has given me.  I have learned that food is by far one of the most important things in my life.  If I cannot eat much then I really want it to taste good.

Food has become a center to our home time together.  Some of the most memorable and fun times have been spent in the kitchen with Jim and the kids.  I have made mom-lets which are the same as omelets however have much more love in them and apparently more innards.  🙂 We have binge watched cooking shows.  We have tried new things and have succeeded and failed.  Purchased cooking gadgets, pans and all sorts of cooking things and we have learned.  It has been such a great change for us.

What have I missed without having a stomach?  Well, there are a few things.  I miss being able to have a salad as a meal.  There is this restaurant in our building complex that has the most amazing looking salads for lunch.  I would love that but know I would pay.  Ugh.  I miss eating the treats where I work.  Working for DQ Corp and not really being able to have the treats is a torture that doesn’t feel all warm inside.  I wish I could have enjoyed the orange dipped cone last year or my favorite being a peanut buster parfait made with cocoa fudge.  In the end, sugar is my kryptonite.  It is an acceptance but not a like.

What I have learned.

• Sugar content per serving double digits or more it is too much
• Cheesecake (plain) actually has a lower amount of sugar than most treats – if you can make it at home a sugar free cheesecake is amazing
• Eggs are a vessel for so many flavors and wonderful food
• Butter can add calories but be problematic if there are not enough carbs
• Try, try and try again.  If I cannot eat it today I may be able to eat it next month
• The small things [chocolate flavored coffee with French vanilla creamer] can make my morning (and sometimes afternoon) tolerable – for me and my team 🙂
• Try new things.  It is crazy what I can learn to like when I cannot have something else I want
• Make sure my kids and spouse know that I love them
• Breathe.  Sometimes it is all I can do.
• Learn.  Teaching myself the basics of drawing has helped me be more me

What is a seahorse?  Well, in the animal world they look like the above pictures that I drew.  However, there is a much larger reason to be a seahorse.  The seahorse doesn’t have a stomach and is a beautiful and strong image that represents the number of us that have had to have this surgery.  In all of the groups that I follow regarding this situation, we welcome the new seahorses to the group.  Just like a mascot for an athletic team we have our mascot that brings us forward to each other.  We support, help and give our experiences to each other as we travel a road that is similar.

I am proud to be a seahorse and one day I will have my seahorse tattoo to commemorate my change to a new me.

On the other hand, there is another creature that doesn’t have a stomach that doesn’t get a lot of affectionate press to those in my life.  The Platypus.

I guess tattoos of seahorses are better than the platypus.  I don’t think I will break the line of reason but thought it should at least get a little press.  They are cute as babies and no (Jim) it isn’t a duck.

I also want to talk about the silver lining.  It has never been a thing that I have done well with.  When I had cancer, I had people say that someday I would see the silver lining to my situation. I knew that they had never been there and understood what chemo and radiation does to a person.  When my sons dad passed, there were those that wanted me to see the silver lining.  I again struggled with the thought.

Recently, I have had a bit of a change on this thinking.  A friend that I met through all this “CDH1 mutation without a stomach” thing, shared a letter that her daughter had written.  Her daughter was CDH1 positive and had the seahorse future ahead of her.  Her daughter got a tattoo of the words “silver lining”.  I was blessed to be able to read the words that the daughter shared with her mother.  She shared that her mom was her silver lining.  It was such a beautiful tribute to a woman that is stronger than she thinks, braver than she feels and incredible important to those that love her.  If only I could be that.

This last year of my 5 years has been tough.  I did not give up but there were moments that I wanted to.  I was reminded that it wasn’t an option.  There are so many people in my life that had allowed me to be me.  I cannot thank you enough.  I cannot even think of my life without you and your way of being.  You are my strength when I look inside.  Thank you.

For any of those seahorses that may see this, please know you are not alone, you can do this and you can prevail.  Just be patient and be you.  It will not happen quickly but do not ever give up.  You are important and loved.  You are part of a troupe that is bigger than you.  Go Seahorses!